I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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