I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
