I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
