Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
