One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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