where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
