I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
