I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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