I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
FUCK WHALES
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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