I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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