I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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