When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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