I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
