I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
