Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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