I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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