I feel like abortions should bother me more
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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