Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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