There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
last night I used snow as a chaser
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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