FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
