So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
