remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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