A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
