nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
whose parrot is this?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
