He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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