Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
