SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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