life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My underwear smells like fireworks.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
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