Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
