some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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