Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
