just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
