I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
