i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I can't put those talents on a resume
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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