youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
