he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
We're too hungover to prance.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
