You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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