If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
