i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
