I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The beer is more important than you right now.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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