I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
