i love accidental penises.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Houston, we have a squirter
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Text me some of your sweat
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
