You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
