YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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