Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
