It's like God shit irony all over that family
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
