totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Randomize
