My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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