Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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