I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just forgot I was standing up.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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