if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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