You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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