I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
My liver is preforming stress tests.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
