office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
