my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
it's like iHOP with fire
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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