I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
