why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize