Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
