I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Quick, to the slutcave!
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
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