The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
